Reese

周五晚上我去了一个朋友家的 party 。屋子里很热闹，嘈杂的音乐和烈酒的气味在昏暗的环境里弥漫着。这时，我在人群中撞上了我的同学 Reese 。她来自加州，我们一起吃过饭，也玩儿过几次，但是彼此并不是很熟。Reese 先跟我打招呼，然后说这有可能是我们最后一次见面，不过但愿不是。

啊？

很突兀。我们怎么会是最后一次见面？我忙问她怎么回事。她说她要离开我们学校了。我问她是不是要转学，她说不是，而是辍学。明天将是 Reese 在学校的最后一天。这时，我们的对话被别人打断，Reese 也被人群淹没了。

我一边拿塑料杯喝着伏特加，一边继续消化这件事。我们学校的美国同学大都承受着很大的经济压力，其中一些对于当前的教育体制也有不满，所以辍学大概是一件相对常见的事情，我想。

过了一会儿，我又遇见了 Reese 。这次我抓住机会，问她辍学之后有什么打算。

“I’m going to plant trees.” 她说。

我愣了一小下，确定自己没听错后，又问她要去哪里种树。她说可能去英国或者葡萄牙。她又说，现在世界上的森林砍伐太严重，她想把树木重新还给地球。她会和她的伙伴一起种树，在当地农场打工，以支持地方的生态环境。她的语气平静而成熟，并且渗透出一种坚定的使命感。

我彻彻底底地被 Reese 的责任感和理想主义所震撼到了。她看到了世界的问题，相信自己有义务有能力改变现状，并且实在地付出行动。当我还在终日迷茫、不安的时候，这样的一股力量着实让我感动。我连忙告诉她，我对她的这一追求抱有强烈的尊重和敬佩。

“这是一个艰难的决定，但是有些事情必须有人去做。” Reese 说。

我赶紧拿出拍立得相机，跟 Reese 合了一张影，并且祝愿她今后一切顺利。

“将来的某一天你可以来我打工的农场找我玩儿。” 她补充道。

我从心底里希望这一天会真的来临。虽然没有任何证据，但我相信，当我在世界另一端的某个农场和 Reese 再次相遇时，一切都会比现在更好。

写到这里，我想起了罗曼 · 罗兰的一句话：“世上只有一种英雄主义，就是在认清生活的真相之后依然热爱生活。”

也许我们每一个人都能够成为英雄。

写于 2023 年 2 月 26 日

Last Friday I went to a party at my friend’s house. It was lively: loud music mixed with the smell of hard liquors permeating inside the house. Then, I bumped into my schoolmate Reese. They are from California, we met a couple of times before, but weren’t exactly the closest of friends. Reese said hi to me, and then told me that it was probably our last time seeing each other, but hopefully not.

What?

It was pretty abrupt. How come that this was our last time seeing each other? I asked them what was happening. They said that they were leaving the school. I asked if they were transferring to another school, and they said no, rather, they were dropping out. Tomorrow would be Reese’s last day as a student. Moments later our conversation got interrupted by someone and we lost each other in the crowd again.

As I was drinking Vodka in a red plastic cup, I kept thinking about this. I know that a lot of students at SAIC are under a huge amount of financial pressure, and some of them are discontent with the current educational system as well, so perhaps dropping out is not that uncommon after all, I thought.

A few moments later, I saw Reese again. I seized this opportunity and asked them about their plans afterwards.

“I’m going to plant trees.” They said.

Their words briefly put me in a trance. After making sure that I heard them right, I asked where they were going to plant trees. They said maybe the UK or Portugal. Then they said that there was a lot of deforestation in the world, and they wanted to give trees back to the planet. They would plant trees together with others, or work at farms, in order to uphold the local natural environment. Their tone was steady and mature, radiating a strong sense of duty.

I was completely moved by Reese’s sense of responsibility and idealism. They see the world’s problems, believe that they are obligated to and capable of changing the status quo, and are taking solid actions. When I’m still spending my days feeling dazed and confused, such a powerful mentality strikes me to my core. I immediately told Reese that I had tremendous awe and respect for them and their noble pursuit.

“It’s a difficult decision, but there are things that must be done.” Reese said.

I took out my Polaroid camera, got a picture with Reese, and wished them best of luck for the future.

“Maybe one day you can come to the farm I’m working at and we can hang out!” They added.

I genuinely hope that that day will come. Although I don’t have any proof at the moment, I believe that when I see Reese again at a farm half a world away, everything will be better than they are now.

As I’m writing this, I’m remembering a quote by Romain Rolland: “There is only one true heroism in the world: to see the world as it is, and to love it.”

Perhaps every single one of us can become a hero.

February 26 2023

一个真实的故事 A True Story

最近在网上听说天竺是北京市顺义区为数不多的繁华区域之一，于是今天下午我开车到天竺进行街头摄影。路边停好车后，我发现我在一个高档小区外面，全是别墅，小区的出入口穿梭着豪车。几百米外有另一个小区，同样别墅林立。我拿出相机，开始寻找吸引我眼球的东西来拍摄。眼前的别墅虽然奢侈，却没特别打动我，所以我决定往别处走。走着走着，繁华没怎么察觉到，我却看到了一条昏暗的巷子。出于好奇心，我走了进去。

很快，面前出现了一片不算很大的空地。前方有一栋红砖砌的、农村风格的破房子。这时一个老大爷走了过来，嘴里有一股酒气。

“你是干什么的？”

“我是摄影爱好者。”

“谁？”

“我喜欢拍照片。”

“少他妈蒙人！他妈的拿着个破相机成天就拍这些破照片，你他妈的以为我不知道？” 老大爷很愤怒。

我极力解释我没有任何恶意。渐渐地，他开始相信我只是个普通学生，气也消了，同时，我也开始理解他最初的过激反应了。

老大爷一开始误认为我是网格员。听他说，网格员时不时会来他这里把一些脏乱差的地方拍下来，然后上报，之后就会有人以整治之名来找老大爷的麻烦。

老大爷又说，这一带原来是一座占地几万亩的村子，有九百多户人家。后来为了开发别墅区，政府把村子拆了，每家发了两千块钱，村民迁到哪儿没人管。老大爷应该是唯一一个现在还住在这里的村民，社会上的小混混们已经把他的房子砸了七八次了。

“我为党工作四十年，没做过任何对不起国家的事，为什么这样对我？区里的官跟上头汇报时说的都是好话，但没人能听到老百姓的声音！” 老大爷说。

仅仅一条路之隔。路那边是奢华的顺义中央别墅区，路这边就是老大爷和他的破房子。讽刺的是，路边的墙上还写着 “共建美丽天竺” 的标语。

我临走的时候，老大爷一直在为之前的粗鲁道歉。“我刚才喝酒了。没事，啊，年轻人，没事！”

我坐回车里，电台这时正放着 Paloma Faith 的《Better Than This》。

“I heard the birds whisper, ‘You can’t fly’…”

这一刻，世上有多少正在遭受苦难的人们啊。

写于 2021 年 1 月 21 日

Recently, I read online that Tianzhu was a prosperous area of Beijing, the city where I live. So as a photography enthusiast, I drove to Tianzhu this afternoon to take some photos. As soon as I parked my car on the side of the road, I found myself right outside the fences of a wealthy neighborhood—matrixes of luxurious villas accompanied by expensive cars. I took out my camera and started looking for things to photograph. Though these huge houses in front of me may have seemed posh, they didn’t manage to interest me, so I decided to walk away and look for other things. After crossing to the other side of the road, I saw a dark alleyway. Driven by curiosity, I went in.

Soon, I entered an open space. In my sight was a rural-style, partially run-down house made of bricks. An old man appeared and walked towards me. I could smell

alcohol on his breath.

“Who are you?”

“I’m a photography enthusiast.”

“Who?”

“I love taking photos.”

“Stop fucking with me! Taking these fucking pictures with your fucking camera, you think I don’t know?”

I immediately started trying my best to explain that I had no bad intentions. Slowly, he began to believe that I was just a student, and his anger gradually went away too. At the same time, I also began to understand why he was so angry at first. He thought I worked for the local administration. He said that those at the administration would come to his place every now and then to take pictures depicting how messy it was. They would show these pictures to higher administrators, and then

some people would come and trouble him in the name of keeping the local community clean and beautiful.

He proceeded to tell me that this area used to be a huge village with over 900 families and many hectares of farmlands. Then for the sake of constructing the wealthy neighborhood that I saw earlier, the village was erased by the Government. Every household was given ¥2,000 (around $300 USD) as compensation and the State didn’t really bother making replacement housing plans for the villagers. This elder in front of me was probably the only villager who was still here. He told me that as an attempt to remove him from this region, gangsters vandalized his old house about eight times now.

“I worked for the Party for more than forty years, I have never done anything bad to the country. Why are they treating us like this? When the local bureaucrats talk to the higher administrators, they sugarcoat everything. Why can’t us ordinary people’s voices be heard?”, he said.

Just one road apart. On the other side of the road were the splendid villas standing proudly, and on this side I saw this old man and his decaying old cottage in the freezing wind of January. I found it difficult to comprehend the sheer contrast of this and the fact that they didn’t even bother covering it up—the harsh, problematic reality was shamelessly presented to everyone. The irony was a propaganda sign on the wall outside the elder’s house that read “Let’s Make Tianzhu Beautiful Together.”

As I was leaving, he kept apologizing for his rudeness earlier. “I am a bit drunk. Sorry, young man, sorry!”

I got back into my car.

“When the lights in my street go out and all the people sleeping under clouds” “I

saw a mountain, I thought, ‘It’s too high’ I heard the birds whisper, ‘You can’t fly’…”

The radio was playing Paloma Faith’s “Better Than This”.

At this very moment, how many people in the world were suffering?

January 21 2021

Mr. Fong 方老师

Last week I finally visited New Zealand after almost five years. I had always wanted to visit but due to COVID and other things I couldn’t do it until this year. However, half way through my one-week trip, a friend of mine told me that my high school math teacher Mr. Fong passed away last year. The kind of relaxed vacation mood suddenly faded away as soon as I heard that.

Mr. Fong was truly a legend. Though I only had one class with him, I wholeheartedly felt his loving kindness, responsible nature and that unique sense of humor. I remember one time when walking us through past papers, he said that “These questions are always in the exam. I'll bet Eric's life on it.” Well, that for sure got me sweating for a quick second…

Sometimes when I was stuck in a dilemma, academic or otherwise, I would go to Mr. Fong for advice, because he made me feel safe and I had this tremendous trust in him. He taught me how to be resilient, take ownership, always have a positive outlook on life, and, of course, how mathematics could be algebraic and Shakespearean at the same time (he once made a “2b or not 2b” joke).

Mr. Fong’s daughter Mrs. Curtis (the then Miss Fong) was also one of my favorite teachers. When I first came to New Zealand in 2015 I was really struggling with English and blending in with the school environment. As my English teacher, Mrs. Curtis helped and encouraged me in ways I never thought possible, which also shows what a loving and exemplary family they are.

I checked Mrs. Curtis’s Facebook page after receiving the tragic news and found out that Mr. Fong’s battle with cancer lasted three and a half years, which means that it started not so long after I left New Zealand at the end of 2019. I cannot imagine the kind of pain and suffering he and his family were going through, but what I do know is that I will forever keep his teachings close to my heart, continue putting them into action and live my life in a way that would make him proud.

Mr. Fong, thank you for everything you have done for me, not only as a mentor, but also as a companion. Do you still remember that one evening back in 2017 when we bumped into each other on our way to the train station, and I asked you if you ever visited my hometown Beijing? You said that you did once about twenty years ago, when there wasn’t too much pollution yet. I really wish that you could visit again nowadays because the air quality really got better lately, maybe just like how it was some twenty years ago. And I promise you I will go to Hong Kong one day because I need to see what the city that raised an incredible man like you looks like.

June 10 2024

上周，我终于去了新西兰。之前就想去的，但是因为疫情及一些其他事情，一直没能去。在新西兰时，一个高中朋友告诉我，我的高中数学老师 Mr. Fong（方老师）在去年去世了。这句话像晴天霹雳一样划破我的度假时光。

方老师是个不折不扣的传奇。他的善良，责任心和独到的幽默感都是我心中对他的记忆点。有一次带我们复习时，他说：“这些题在考试上肯定会有，我拿 Eric 的命来赌。” 我瞬间汗流浃背……

有时候，当我陷入学业或生活上的困境时，我会去寻求方老师的建议，因为他给人一种无可比拟的安全感与亲切感。他教会了我如何坚强地面对难题、负起责任、以一个乐观的态度生活，当然还有为什么代数和莎士比亚是共通的（他在课上开过一个 “2b or not 2b” 的玩笑）。

方老师的女儿（也是方老师）也是我最喜欢的老师之一。当我 2015 年刚去新西兰的时候，我的英语很不好，在适应新环境上也犯难。作为我的英语老师，她用极大的耐心帮助我、鼓励我。她给予我的力量是我无法用语言描述的。我想这也展示了他们是一个多么善良与正直的家庭。

听到老方老师去世的消息后，我查阅了小方老师的 Facebook 朋友圈，得知老方老师跟癌症抗争了三年半之久。也就是说，在我 2019 年底离开新西兰不久后他就确诊了。我无法想象他和他的家人经历了怎样的磨难，但我知道的是，我会永远把方老师的教诲铭记于心、付诸行动，并活出一个让他骄傲的人生。

方老师，谢谢你为我做的一切。不仅作为我的老师，更是作为我的朋友。你还记得 2017 年的那个晚上，我们在走去火车站的路上偶遇了吗？我问你有没有去过我的家乡北京，你说你二十多年前去过，那时候北京还没有那么严重的空气污染。我多希望你能如今再去一次，因为最近北京的空气质量变好了，也许就像二十多年前那样。我也一定要在未来的某一天去一趟香港，因为我想看看一座培养出你这样出色的人的城市到底长什么样。

写于 2024 年 6 月 10 日

语文课

这几天我想起了小学时候的一件事。

       那是一次语文课，老师在讲的课文是一位女儿写自己的联合国维和战士父亲。父亲在岗位上去世，女儿表达了悲痛与对父亲的崇敬。

       题材实在悲伤，字里行间真情实感。这时，一位同学在座位上哭了出来。这是一位品学兼优的同学，老师说：“大家看，xxx哭了，他多么投入啊！”

       课继续进行，另外几个同学也哭了出来。接着，越来越多的同学开始哭，最后几乎整个班都在痛哭中。

       语文老师很满意，并且在临下课时说：“我可记住了刚才谁没哭！”

       同学被课文打动落泪，这本是一件好事，但是老师将此定为一种标准答案，属实荒谬。下课后，一个泪眼未干的同学悄咪咪地问我：“你信不信有的人的哭是装出来的？” 这让我不得不推断包括他在内的一些人确实是在装哭。

       当每个人在集体中被要求拥有某种情感，并且为了合群不得不假装，久而久之，我们还如何分辨哪些感受是自己真实的，哪些是被权威灌输的？

       自由意志固然是个复杂的话题。中世纪哲学家奥古斯丁认为人的理性是上帝给予的，所以人拥有的哪怕一丁点自由意志，也是上帝的恩赐，其目的是让人归于上帝。中世纪人性论好像盲目追求“大我”，却把人性中的“人”给忘了。这让我想起了费孝通《乡土中国》中的观点。费教授认为，中国人生活在关系的网罗中，没有绝对的个人自由或权利，只有相对的自治和平等。

       而对于一篇文章的感受这种再主观不过的东西都会被外界随意侵入和控制，我们谈何自由意志与自我？

       今天在网上查了一下，那篇课文的内容原来与现实有出入，可能按政治需求经历过改动。

写于 2025 年 2 月 1 日

拔河比赛

这两天，我突然想起了小学时候的一件事。

       那是一次校内拔河比赛，以班级为单位。操场上站满了人，几十根鸡蛋一样粗的麻绳在口号与呐喊声中忽左忽右，最后彻底倒向一边。我们班对战同年级的另一个班，一声哨后，所有人都龇牙咧嘴地向后仰，绳中间的小红旗缓缓地向我方移动。数十秒后，当旗子已经明显偏向我们很多后，裁判（由体育老师担当）突然一抬手，我们以为赢了，便放松绳子准备欢呼，谁知比赛并没有结束，对手班 “唰” 地把绳子拉向自己，瞬间赢得比赛。

       绷不住了。裁判的动作不是很有误导性吗？我们眼看都要赢了！冤枉啊！回到教室后，几乎所有同学都哭了，而且是大哭。下一节课的老师来了以后不明所以，怎么集体哭鼻子？便抛下课程给我们放起动画片，无果。我们感觉班级的荣誉感与尊严受到了践踏，不是动画片能安抚的。

       到了课间，全班人在作业纸上写 “冤”、“不公平” 等字样，冲向体育组，把纸按在办公室的窗户上，并大声喊冤。一位体育老师从办公室冲出，气势汹汹地要抓人。我们便极速撤离，一边撤一边回头骂：“xx老师是呆子！”

       后来这件事情不了了之。那位冲出来的体育老师独自找我们全班谈话，说能理解我们的心情等等。但面对重新比赛的请求，还是毅然决然地拒绝了。那件事之后，所有体育老师都对我们班有了 “凝聚力强”、“团结” 的深刻印象。

      多年后的今天，我之所以重新想起这件事，是因为面对近些年发生的各种各样的事情，我不得不感慨：我们的反抗精神去哪里了？面对不公与铁手，难道我们的坚韧和脾气也随着年龄的增长愈发衰退吗？我们就任由某些人肆意践踏我们的人权与灵性吗？……

当然，我或者任何人都没有权力要求别人该怎么做、不该怎么做。我只是希望，我们不要让自己变得麻木、冷漠。因为如果连我们自己都放弃了努力的信念，那么事情可能就彻底不会变好了。有人说 “沉默是中国人能发出的最大哭声”，我希望我们能有朝一日冲破沉默，发出哪怕是微乎其微的一点点声音。

       写到这里，我想到了 2019 年一位香港青年在采访中说的话: ”The chance of success is…it’s almost zero. But we still need to do this because of the justice, because we love this place.”（成功的概率基本为零，但我们仍然需要做这件事，因为公义，因为我们爱这个地方。）

       无穷的远方，无数的人们，都和我有关。

写于 2024 年 9 月 1 日

无题

夜里十二点半，外面下着雨，我躺在床上睡不着。

盯着灰白色的天花板，我感到房间很空。

房间里只有空调机组慢节奏的隆隆声像背景白噪一样传进我的耳朵。

查了一下，现在的大气压是 29.77 英寸汞柱，有点低。

我侧过头，看着窗外被雨和雾笼罩着的楼宇群，顿时有一种身处海底的错觉。好像整座城市都浸泡在水里，事物的边界也模糊、溶化了。

我的视线停留在向北延伸的State Street上——潮湿的路面、缓慢移动的一粒粒小车和火柴一样的铭黄色路灯。看着看着，困意涌了上来。

这条大道可能一直通往时间的尽头，我想。

写于 2022 年 4 月 9 日

无题 2

2022年底，当我跟Q倾诉对于国家当时状况的绝望与担忧时，Q说了一段话。

他说，历史的发展在微观上不一定是线性的。在任意时刻，它都受到多股力量的牵制与摆布，所以文明的时间线中充斥着磕绊、停滞、甚至倒退。可能一时间人性中的贪嗔痴会在世间蔓延。但我们要相信，历史的进程在宏观上必定是向善的。这是一种超脱一切的主导力量，其不是任何一个独裁者、集团甚至主义可以匹敌的。

我不知道，也没看清我们所处时代的全貌。但我愿意相信，在这浑浊的历史洋流深处，蓄势着正义的暗流涌动。

写于 2024 年 5 月 1 日

三体 The Three-Body Problem

重温了一遍《三体》，第二部的结尾让我很感动。

罗辑成功解除了三体人对于地球的震慑，使得人类获救。后来，他在演讲上说，人类可能是宇宙中唯一拥有爱的种族——这个想法支撑他完成了一个面壁者的使命。

我相信六万多年来，人类能克服所有地狱般的困难，排山倒海地走到今天，甚至在文学的世界里不可思议地战胜比我们高级很多的地外文明，归根结底正是因为爱。我承认我不是一个理性的人。我认为推动人类种族延续的从来不是我们超高的智力或者飞速发展的科技，而是因为我们有爱，并且不遗余力地坚守爱。爱的力量可以超越一切因果逻辑和物理公式，让不可能的事情成为可能。因为爱，人类得以在科学发展被三体人持续压制几百年的情况下仍然胜过三体一筹。爱帮助我们坚持过了最黑暗的岁月，也引导我们创造了最光鲜的繁荣。

然后，一个三体人说，其实三体世界也有爱，只不过一直被限制在萌芽状态。他又说，我们应该鼓励爱在宇宙的每一个角落奋力生长。

是啊，那将是多么美好的一幅图景。一个充满爱的宇宙。星河中肯定有很多文明的生存环境不鼓励爱的出现，但爱本身的力量太强大，纵使外部条件如何苛刻也不能阻止它的迸发。

“我有一个梦，也许有一天，灿烂的阳光能照进黑暗森林。”

这时，这里的太阳却在落下去，现在只在远山上露出顶端的一点，像山顶上镶嵌着的一块光灿灿的宝石。孩子已经跑远，同草地一起沐浴在金色的晚霞之中。

太阳快落下去了，你们的孩子居然不害怕？

“当然不害怕，她知道明天太阳还会升起来的。”

写于 2022 年 8 月 16 日

I recently reread “The Three-Body Problem” trilogy by Cixin Liu. The ending of the second book truly resonated with me.

Luo Ji successfully undid the Trisolaran threat, saving mankind. In a speech, Luo Ji claims that perhaps humanity is the only species in the universe that possesses love—such a notion supported him through the most difficult period of his Wallfacer mission.

I believe that through the last 60,000 years, the underlying reason why the human race has managed to endure all kinds of hellish hardships and obstacles, and in the fictional world, is even able to defeat extraterrestrial civilizations that are way more advanced than we are, is because of love. I admit that I am not the most rational person. I am convinced that what has been guarding our survival and prosperity was never our outstanding intelligence or skyrocketing technology, but love, and our grasping of it. The power of love can overrule all logics and theories of physics, and make the impossible possible. Because of love, the human race can claim triumph against the Trisolaran despite their centuries-long arrest of human scientific development. Love has helped us push through our darkest times, and made our greatest achievements come true.

Then, a Trisolaran says that in fact, love can be found in the Trisolaran world as well, but because it was not conducive to the civilization’s overall survival, it was suppressed when it had only just germinated. “Perhaps seeds of love are present in other places in the universe. We ought to encourage them to sprout and grow.”

Yes, what a wonderful landscape that may be. A universe full of love. Among the galaxies, there must be numerous civilizations whose living conditions discourage the emergence of love, but the power of love itself is too immense, no amount of hostility from the outside environment can stop it from blooming.

“I have a dream that one day brilliant sunlight will illuminate the dark forest.”

The sun was setting. Now only its tip was exposed beyond the distant mountains, as if the mountaintop were inset with a dazzling gemstone. Like the grass, the child running in the distance was bathed in the golden sunset.

The sun will set soon. Isn’t your child afraid?

“Of course she’s not afraid. She knows that the sun will rise again tomorrow.”

August 16 2022

地铁故事两则 Two Subway Stories

进入地铁站的闸门后，我径直向滚梯走去，可是面前的一位朋友挡住了我的去路——一条黑色的大狗。黑狗站在滚梯顶端向下张望，狗主人的喊声从滚梯下端传来。我循声望去，主人是个流浪汉：蓬乱的头发，大号的背包，阑珊的衣服，口舌不太清楚，可能是喝醉了。

“快下来啊！快下来啊！”

黑狗前后两难，欲上电梯又不敢上，愁眉苦脸地盯着下方的主人。主人只好走上电梯，把狗领下来。

在电梯上，主人对狗念叨着：“你是条大狗了，你得学会下电梯。”

在站台上，醉醺醺的流浪汉还在大喊着：“我以后要给你买个带后院的房子。大后院，湿润的草和干燥的土地。让你跑来跑去。”

地铁到了，流浪汉和他的狗消失在了我的视线。

今天我又坐地铁。中途上来六七个高中生，坐在我旁边的位置上。他们说着我听不懂的语言，像俄语，又不像。我被他们包围着，只好独自看向窗外。过了十几分钟，经过几次眼神接触后，我终于开口问离我最近的一位女生，“你们来自哪里？”

女生笑着说，他们从乌克兰来，是学生。得知我是中国人后，她说她一直想去中国和日本旅游。我告诉她我也想去乌克兰看看，她说现在不要去，因为战争还在继续。

她又说，今天是她的生日。我看到她脸上贴了两颗小星星。

写于 2023 年 7 月 30 日

After entering the subway entrance, I walked directly towards the escalator, but someone blocked my way—a big black dog. The dog was looking down the escalator, distressed. The owner’s voice came from downstairs. I followed the voice to find that the owner was a homeless person: messy hair, oversized backpack, shabby clothes. His speech was quite slurred, perhaps he was drunk.

“Come on! Come on!”

The black dog was in a dilemma, wanting to get on the escalator but too scared to do so, looking miserably at his owner. The owner eventually came up and took the dog downstairs with him.

On the escalator, the owner lectured to the dog: “You’re a big dog now, you have to learn to use the escalator.”

On the platform, the drunk owner was shouting: “I will buy a house with a backyard for you. A big backyard, damp grass and dry soil. I’ll let you run around as much as you want.”

The train came, the homeless person and his dog disappeared from my sight.

Today I took the subway again. Halfway through my ride came in some high schoolers who sat around me. They were speaking a language I was not familiar with, kind of like Russian but not exactly. Surrounded by them, I turned my head to look outside the train window. Ten minutes or so later, after several eye contacts, I asked the girl closest to me, “Where are you guys from?”

Smiling, the girl said that they were students from Ukraine. After learning that I was from China, she said that she’d always wanted to visit China and Japan. I told her that I had wanted to visit Ukraine as well. She said don’t go now, because the war is still happening.

Then she added that today was her birthday. I saw two little star-shaped stickers on her face.

July 30 2023

无题 3

I find the idea of the past very intriguing. It is something that no longer exists, yet it can determine what we do at the present and make up who we are. Despite all the traumas and adversities I once experienced, I admire the past. Everything in the past just feels so slow, so elegant, so unreal. If I didn’t experience them myself, I’d think they were fragments of poetry. Well, maybe life is poetry. Perhaps time is a very long poem. It starts with nothingness, and ends with nothingness, and in between galaxies are created and destroyed, stars spin and die, oceans rise and disappear, mountains erect and fall apart, trees, grow and turn to ashes, and people...People love, laugh, cry, and eventually they fall silent.

June 28 2019

无题 4

最近几周，可能是因为持续阴沉的天气，也可能是因为别的，我的心里一直不太好受。抑郁的情绪像生活里的背景白噪一样，裹着我，扎着我。

今天是冬至。夜里，我在收拾回国的行李。天气预报说，芝加哥明天会有暴风雪，美国要迎接几十年以来最冷的圣诞节，我在想明天的航班能否正常起飞。翻书包的时候，我发现了上周朋友送给我的一袋小点心。点心把透明塑料袋撑得鼓鼓的。我拿出一颗：浅褐色，葡萄大小，外壳硬硬的。

一口塞进嘴里，小点心的外壳 “咯嘣” 一声裂开，里面柔软的夹心带着花生酱的甜味顺势拥抱我的味蕾。随着两种不同的口感在我嘴里蔓延开来，我竟鼻子一酸，之后就是两滴泪珠顺着鼻梁往下淌。

好甜。在长期的不顺心中，尝到这样一口恰到好处的甜，就像深夜在茫茫白雪中看到一户人家窗户里面温暖柔和的光一样。它好像在提醒着我，无论眼前的生活如何困难，人生也总有盼头。

这时我想起了送我点心的那个朋友的一个漫画作品里的两行字: “I know there’s a tomorrow. But now I am here.”

是啊。纵使明天的阳光仍然会被芝加哥十二月的云层拒之门外，纵使来自西伯利亚的寒风即将入侵北美大陆，此刻，我也要沉浸在这份甜蜜里。因为它让我知道，今天往后，黑夜会越来越短，白昼会越来越长。地球的公转会让太阳重新眷顾北半球的人们，密歇根湖会解冻，鸟儿会回来，阳光会重新笼罩这片大地……

写于 2022 年 12 月 22 日

密涅瓦的猫头鹰

因为新疆火灾的事情，我今天一天情绪都无法平复。上午有个在国内上大学的老朋友问我，“你觉得这边的世界还会好吗？” 他又说，他身边有正在准备考研的同学被送进方舱；还有家和公司都被封的人，辗转住在酒店。更不要提新闻里那些苦苦挣扎，甚至失去生命的人们了。我一时不知道该怎么回复。

最近总有一些朋友跟我说他们被无力感包裹着，我也不例外。三年以来，各种泯灭人性的事件所带来的无力感像石头一样砸向我。我不知道该如何应对这种无力感，但我知道，在当前的境遇下，我们无论如何也不能屈服。我们是人，在丑恶面前，我们不能垮下，不能麻木，更不能妥协。为了人性，为了正义，为了我们的尊严。

那位朋友和他的同学现在在跟大学提意见，“虽然作用很微小，但是可能大家心里都有希望吧。可能这些行为在一些人眼里就是愤青，但是真的不能没有愤怒啊。”  我很敬佩我的这位朋友。他说的对，我们要继续发声、继续行动、保持愤怒。我相信在这个时代，有反抗精神的人是高贵的人。

我希望所有人都能坚守内心的是非观与正直。我希望密涅瓦的猫头鹰不要等到黄昏时分才起飞。

写于 2022 年 11 月 25 日

时代的担子

最近很颓废，一天下来也干不了几件事，好像生活里没有了劲头儿。回想高中的时候……

那天我发烧了，但还是坚持上了一天学。下午放学，到公交站发现交通卡里没钱了，只好走回学校。学校里有一个当时跟我关系不太好的同学，本来不想跟他说话，但是因为没别人可找，所以只好放下面子管他借了几块钱车费。

傍晚很冷，风吹的我生疼。回到家后我坐在椅子上。妈妈看我很难受的样子，就叫我上床躺着。

过了一会儿，妈妈端着一杯热水来房间看我时，我已经迷迷糊糊地哭了。

妈妈问我为什么哭，我抽泣着说：“因为我们每个人都是历史的一部分，我们身上扛着时代的担子……”

真想回到从前那样。

写于 2022 年 7 月 14 日

无题 5

前几天我去了胶卷冲洗店送我的胶卷。店面很小，在北京一个不伦不类的偏僻地方。迎我进门的是一个看起来 25 岁左右的姐姐：犀利的齐肩短发，墨水一样黑，紧紧地包在头上；一顶黑色的抓绒帽，衣服也都是黑色的；一双不大的眼睛下好像藏着一种小小的，不易察觉的目空一切，玩世不恭的态度。我把胶卷拿出来放在台子上，然后开始填信息表单。

这时候我注意到了台子旁边的猫笼——空的。上个月来的时候里面还有一只可爱的小猫，不知道今天它去哪儿了。笼子上放着一个黄色的推土机玩具，塑料做的，可能是给猫玩儿的。

       我正填着表单。这时，让我感到有点儿意外的是，我身边的这位姐姐竟开始把玩那个亮黄的推土机，还颇为认真。她的动作倒是很简单，只是来回推拉，像一个两岁婴儿玩儿玩具的方式。玩儿了几下之后，她还把推土机拿了起来，检查它的轮子，然后放下去继续推拉。推土机在猫笼子上发出 “咔，咔，咔” 的响声。

       咔，咔，咔。

       这会儿店里正放着一首好听的歌，是张悬的《Live酒馆300秒》。张悬那放荡不羁的嗓音在四壁之间有力度地弹跳着。

       “我如此沉默，因为我如此自由”

       咔，咔，咔。

       “还要找个天真的时刻，把精雕细琢的成品抛空”

       咔，咔，咔。

       “还要得意忘形，莫名其妙，胡言乱语”

       咔，咔，咔。

       我填好了表单，胶卷留在这儿，他们五天之内弄好。推土机姐姐放下了手中的推土机，送我出了门，最后用很有人情味儿的声音说了声 “拜拜”。

       我猜她回屋之后应该还会继续玩儿那个推土机吧。

       咔，咔，咔。

写于 2020 年 11 月 2 日

无题 6 

今天我诸事不顺，遇到了一些不好的事情，又生气又无助。最重要的是还没吃午饭。饥饿给我的负面情绪又添加了沉重的一击。

晚上我像往常一样出去夜跑。因为今天少吃了一顿饭，浑身没劲儿，腿发软。

当我跑了五公里的时候，上天跟我开了个玩笑：下雨了。

我在雨中拖着虚弱的步伐。夜色和雨点之中，世间的一切不美好就像一盘被打翻的污浊颜料，压的我喘不过气。我好像只身一人在这颓废的城市里狼狈前行。哭的心都有了。

       这时，一辆电动车在我旁边停下，车上坐着一个身着紫色雨衣的阿姨。阿姨带着一副眼镜，两眼笑眯眯的。

       “小哥，下雨了。你家住哪儿？我送你回家呀。”

       我说了我小区的名字。大概有三公里的距离。

       “上来吧。”

       我愣了一秒，坐上了电动车的后座。

       路上，阿姨跟我说她喜欢骑山地自行车，骑了八年了。但是后来换了工作，整月整月不能休息，所以已经很久没骑了。

       电动车飞速行驶，阿姨的紫色雨衣随风舞动，豆大的雨点打在我们的脸上、眼镜上，搞得我视线模糊了。

写于 2021 年 7 月 23 日

无题 7

今天去仓库给小姨帮工，干了一上午，饿了，中午叫了个外卖。仓库在某园区里面，园区很大，地形也比较复杂。

       过了半小时，快递员给我打来电话，是个女的：

       “喂您好，我到xx园区的牌子那边了。您在哪里？”

       放眼望去，我的视线里只有一个建筑物上贴着“xx园区”的招牌，我以为她就在那边，于是开始为她指路。不料叽叽喳喳了半天，我们俩仍然一头雾水……难不成我们说的不是同一个地方？

       电话那头的声音开始着急了：“我的配送时间快到了，您到底在哪里呀！”我也是一阵犯难：园区这么大个地方，我们俩可怎么找到彼此呀！

       她又说，要不然我们加一下微信，您把您的位置发过来？我的配送时间快到了！

       又是这句话。她的配送时间快到了。我深刻认识到了她现在所承受的时间压力。

       “好好好，这就加！”

       这时小姨从货物堆里露出了脑袋，说：“要不你拿上我的车钥匙，开车去找她吧。就跟她说在园区旁边的加油站见你。”

       这是个好主意。我坐上车，跟她打电话说去加油站，电话那头的声音更急了，甚至有些绝望。说了几句也没说明白，我就一脚油门开出去，直奔加油站。到了加油站，我打开微信，看到她接受了我的好友请求。我打开“共享实时位置”功能，可是她没加入。我又打电话，她说她现在在从加油站往南走。配送时间快到了。

       我立马掉头出加油站往南走。在路上开了一小会儿，我看到一辆电瓶车跟我相对而行，骑手好像是个女的。电瓶车跟我擦肩而过的时候我看到了女骑手两脚中间的外卖箱。我忙按喇叭，掉头。终于找到她了。

       她把外卖送到我的车窗前。是个将近三十岁的女人，戴着黑色棉质露指手套和帽子，用围巾蒙住了下半张脸。

       我从她的双眼里看到了一种长时间沉淀的焦虑。

       她说导航可能有问题，麻烦我了。我匆匆谢过，心想总算没事了。

       回到仓库后，我打开手机，准备删除她的好友。

删除之前我扫了一眼她的朋友圈，最近的一条说：不管命运怎么对待我，我都不会放弃的！

写于 2020 年 8 月 17 日